Day 104 - Transference Story

Transference Story

Matthew Ryan Fischer

Sara’s eyes were half closed, somewhere between a blink and a squint. Across from her was Robert. He had a kind face with kind blue eyes. She wished she had something to say to him. She wished she could say something in this moment of moments. The breathing tube in her mouth prevented that from being possible.

Two men in lab coats were talking while a man in a suit stood off to the side and didn’t watch anything in particular. She wished she could hear what they were saying. Instead she just got snippets of overheard whispers.

“...are you a religious man? Do you believe in the spirit?”

“I…I don’t know.”

“Not a totally wrong answer…”

She was dying. That she was sure of. There was no doubt in her mind. She didn’t know when or why, but she knew it was coming soon. There were too many machines and too many people monitoring her. There wouldn’t be so many people there is she were healthy.

Look at him, she thought as she stared into Robert’s eyes. He looked like he wanted to cry. She wanted to cry. She didn’t think she had any liquid left in her tear ducts to make that happen. Robert apparently had the same problem. She thought sobs were almost amusing when there were no tears – just jerking motions like a little convulsion. I must look fuckin’ hilarious.

Sara worried what Robert thought of her. Silly though it was to worry about such things, she couldn’t help herself. She knew how she felt about him, but she never knew how he felt about her.

How long had she been staring into those beautiful blue eyes? It had been so long she couldn’t properly remember. It had been a long time. It seemed like it had been forever. She loved staring into those eyes and didn’t want to ever stop.

Why?!? She screamed in her own mind. She had a thousand thoughts and a thousand complaints, most of them entirely too typical – why me, why now, it’s not fair… etc., etc., etc. She knew she was being average but she thought she should be allowed to be. Dying people should be allowed to be petty and plain and bitter.

The men in the coats were looking at her again. Or maybe they were looking at someone in the other bed. She couldn’t tell. She couldn’t move her head enough to tell. The man in the suit seemed to be taking a greater interest in things though. It must be near the end. The men in suits never cared unless it was near an important juncture.

The men were talking but it seemed like more religious theory – ‘where does the soul go?’ and ‘what is the soul?’ type stuff. It was the typical sort of debate topic, but with an unusual scientific sterility. Sara remembered people always got excited when it came to religious topics. Their voices rose up, they spoke faster, they sounded emotional – excited or sad or scared or something. But these men were cold and stoic and clinical. It was like they were examining the soul itself and there was no debate or doubt. They were taking notes. Why are they taking notes! They were running a lab and she was the lab rat. They were examining results and she was just another number. She barely felt human.

Someone said transference and Sara thought about physics and how energy was neither created nor destroyed. She wasn’t sure why their conversation made her think of that. Some people believed in things like reincarnation or that the soul would ascend or the soul could float around and maybe that’s where ghosts came from. Sara didn’t know what she believed. She didn’t know what would happen to her soul when she died. She hoped there would be something. The other way was just too lonely.

She could feel it slip away when it happened. She didn’t know it would be like this or that she would feel it. She hoped that she wouldn’t feel anything or at least that it wouldn’t hurt. It didn’t feel that bad all things considered. It was sort of like that moment before sleep where you’re totally exhausted and unable to sleep and you start to think you’ll never fall asleep and then you just are. You don’t realize you fell asleep. You just suddenly are. That’s what happened to Sara.

She closed her eyes and she was gone.

The men in lab coats rushed into action, not that Sara was there to witness it. Not to save her or try to revive her, but to collect and track data. The man in the suit seemed especially interested in that.

Suddenly her eyes jerked open.  Sara blinked. She blinked again before she realized what she was doing. Blinking! I’m blinking again?! She was blinking. She wasn’t sure how or why. I’m not dead!?

 Then the grey world came into focus and she realized she was looking right at her own face. Her face was still and lifeless. Her body looked cold. Where…? She wondered if she was a spirit. Or possibly a ghost? Maybe this was some sort of astral projection and she was looking down. But she wasn’t looking down, she was looking at. At!?! She was looking at herself. She was the mirror. She was the view that had been Robert. Then it dawned on her. She was seeing though Robert’s eyes. But what did that mean? Where was Robert? Where was she? What had happened to them?

The men with the lab coats seemed a little unhappy. They had expected something more. Their numbers weren’t adding up. There was some energy missing.

Robert, oh Robert… I loved you so much. I wish I could have told you.

It would have been nice to have heard his voice. But Robert had the same breathing apparatus preventing speech that she had. They were just two people strapped to beds across from each other and never even knew each other’s names. But she had loved his eyes.

She wondered if he was inside her looking out her eyes as she was now looking out his. She thought that sounded nice, but doubted it was true.

She didn’t know how or why any of this was happening. She missed him. She missed her own body. She would have cried or screamed if only she had been able to. Then Robert’s eyes closed and Sara was finally gone for good.