Day 163 - Step Story

Step Story

Matthew Ryan Fischer

Stepping outside reality was surprisingly easier than it sounds. Dean didn’t know how he did it, he wasn’t sure where he went, and he didn’t have any control over how long he was gone. But he enjoyed it. It was a little surreal at first, but once he settled into it, it felt great. He didn’t have the words to describe it properly. This was possibly because he was doing something that seemed beyond reason and broke his understanding of the rules of the universe. How was he supposed to describe something like that? In a way it was a little like floating in a warm and calm swimming pool of darkness while being heavily medicated on pain killers. A little like that. It was also a little like being so tired you couldn’t fall asleep, or continually existing in that moment right before you fall asleep and suddenly your brain is clear and empty and peaceful all at the same time and then consciousness is gone. Wherever he went, whatever was happening to him, when he came back, Dean felt a serene clarity and was full of an energy and benevolent love unlike anything he had ever experienced before in his life.

There was one month when he took the step out of reality at least twice a day, sometimes more. He had no explanation for it, but it was one of the best months of his life.

Then there was the time that Dean didn’t take a step for over three months. He felt empty inside. Days were dreary and lonely and life in general was dull and boring. He was going crazy, waiting for his next fix. It was an awful injustice to have felt so much and to have had it taken away.

It seemed like a lost cause. He couldn’t force it, he couldn’t find it, so he had no way to make things right. He tried Yoga and sensory deprivation and transcendental meditation. While all three were very restful, none of them made him feel the same way he had felt. He didn’t want to feel rested. He wanted to feel the nothingness of nothing at all.

One day he was gone. He left no note or forwarding address. Dean took a step outside his apartment and ended up taking a step outside existence. He felt total and absolute bliss. He was gone and nobody knew where he went. Cut off from existence, from pain and suffering and everything else, it was the greatest experience of his life. He hoped he never came back.