Day 152 - Nyepi Story

Nyepi Story

Matthew Ryan Fischer

Santos had lost his wife three months ago. He missed her tremendously. He was away on business when she became sick and by the time he returned there was little that could be done. Her fever never broke and she was barely conscious when he arrived. It broke his heart that he wasn’t able to say goodbye to her. It broke his heart that he had been so focused on his work. He knew that it would have made no difference, but he still couldn’t help but blame himself and think that his presence would have somehow made some bit of difference.

Three months later he was just as distraught and obsessed with her death, unable to accept that she was gone. His friends worried about him. His family worried about him. There was seemingly nothing that could be done for him – it was his struggle.

Santos began to spend less and less time with his family and friends. He became quiet and withdrawn. People began to worry. Santos needed help, but not the way his loved ones thought he did. He believed she was still there and there had to be a way to reach her.

Santos was a spiritual man, and he believed his wife to have been as well. He knew her spirit was out there, he could feel it. He sought answers wherever he could – from the church, from shamans and gurus. He wasn’t a man to believe in magic or mysticism, but he consulted them as well. No one was able to help him contact her spirit. None of them was able to help offer him any peace.

Nyepi Day approached. Santos became convinced he would be able to reach her. It was a time of peace and prayer and the spirit world would be close at hand. He was sure she would be there.

Santos went to the sea to be cleansed and to purify his soul. He took with him a picture of her and her favorite bracelet – a gift he had given her on their first wedding anniversary. Santos prayed for forgiveness. He prayed for peace and tranquility. He threw the bracelet into the sea and begged for guidance and a glimpse of his former love. Instead, he felt loss and sorrow and could find no sign of her or any attempt that she was trying to communicate with him.

His faith did not waiver.

Over the next several days, the ceremonies continued. Santos looked for her face in the crowd and in reflections. He was miserable; he felt dead inside.

A ritual was performed to vanquish negative elements. Santos drew a picture of his pain and burnt it. Deep inside, he still felt the pain of being alone. He surrounded himself with strangers, hoping to feel something. There were fires everywhere. People wore masks. It was as if the demons had awakened and the night was filled with danger. Santos prayed to God again. He begged for peace and forgiveness. He prayed that he be free from his hate and rage and resentment. Instead, he was left with an aimless feeling of blind hope, unable to feel anything but anxiety and despair.

Santos felt no purpose. He had no direction. He began to fast. He sat in a dark and empty room and cleared his mind and prayed. He gave himself up hoping that God would see fit to save him and fix that which was broken within.

Nyepi had arrived.

At sunrise the “Day of Silence” began.

Santos waited.

The afternoon came, and Santos waited.

The darkness of night came, and still Santos waited.

In silent prayer, he asked her for her forgiveness – for not being a better husband, for not being there when she became sick, and for not being able to save her.

In the dark, Santos began to see into his own soul. He had come seeking freedom from the death and the demon spirits that had filled him and instead he was face-to-face with them. And in the face of such terrors, Santos began to forgive himself.

The sun began to rise. It was a new day. It was a new year. Finally he felt some form of comfort. As he looked at the bright sun, he knew she was gone, that she had been there watching over him, but she had finally moved on.

He welcomed the new days that were to come.