Get-together Story
Matthew Ryan Fischer
“My father told me a story the other day. About him and his two
best friends. After college, they were all moving to different parts of the
country for different jobs. These were his best friends from high school and
college, and he was worried he would never see them again. So they made this
deal that once a year they would get back together and see each other and hang
out. Once a year. Every year. Like old times. Like no time had passed at all. They
would just pick up where they left off. Same old jokes, same old stories. They would
get together and laugh. That was their plan and they did it. They did this every
year, no matter what. If they were talking or if they were angry at each other.
If they were busy with family or other commitments. They made time. Every year,
they found a way to make the time. He’s been doing this for like thirty-five
years. This is going to be the first year they can’t all make it.”
“Yeah. So?”
“So it’s a big deal. They had this thing going on. They kept their
relationships going through thick and thin. And now that’s over.”
“Were they gay?”
“What? No. They—what does that have to do with anything?”
“I don’t know. Dudes getting together for a secret weekend every
year. Sure sounds like they had something going on.”
“No. They… No, my dad wasn’t secretly gay.”
“You sure?”
“No. I don’t know. That doesn’t matter. I was just trying to tell
you about some bond they had, something special, and now it’s over.”
“Don’t get so bent out of shape over this. There’s nothing wrong
if he was gay.”
“I know that. I’m not… Stop being a jerk. I wasn’t saying there
was anything wrong with being homosexual. You know I’m not like that. I don’t
hate anybody.”
“You are trying WAY too hard here. ‘Homosexual?’ Getting fancy,
are we? Feel the need to over compensate for your obvious bigotry?”
“Argh! No. That’s not it. Stop doing that.”
“Doing what?”
“Pissing me off.”
“You make it so easy.”
“I thought it was an interesting idea. That’s all. They found a
way to keep their friendships alive when they had every reason not to. I
thought it was… I don’t know. A good idea. Something I’d be interested it.”
“Are you gay?”
“What!? Where did that come from?”
“You’re telling me a story about dudes on secret trips together
and how that brought them all closer together. You’re telling me you’re
interested in doing that, right? I can only assume you want to go on trips like
that with me. I thought maybe you were trying to say something.”
“Yeah, that’s right. You figured it out. That was my elaborate
plan so I could try and seduce you during a road trip or something. Jesus,
flatter yourself much?”
“I don’t know. I wouldn’t put it past you.”
“So now you really are just doing this to piss me off.”
“Pretty much.”
“Forget it. Forget I said anything.”
“No, I think it’s cute. You like me. You really really like me.”
“Shut up. I don’t want to talk to you.”
“Ooooh nooooo… I hurt your feelings. This never ends well.”
“What? You being a jerk?”
“You know what?”
“No. Don’t. Please don’t.”
“Don’t what?”
“I know you want to make a jerk store reference.”
“I don’t know what you mean.”
“Really? You’re gonna play dumb? If you’re gonna do it, just do
it.”
“Okay. Start over. I need you to set me up.”
“I’m not gonna do it for you.”
“You just said— Fine. Why do you hate me so much?”
“Not funny. I don’t want to repeat the same old jokes over and
over when they’re not funny.”
“How is that not funny? It baffles me so much that you don’t find
it funny.”
“What, the ‘Jerk Store’ episode from Seinfeld? No. It’s not funny.”
“Baffles my mind. You sir, have no sense of humor.”
“How long has that show been off the air? And that joke wasn’t
funny then. You’re an idiot for still referencing it.”
“People love that joke. You know what people are that don’t love
that joke? They’re jerks. And you know what happens to jerks? The jerk store
calls…”
“Shut up.”
“You know what they’re running out of?”
“I’m not doing this. You’re an idiot.”
“That’s what your mom said.”
“That doesn’t even make any sense.”
“That’s what your mom said.”
“You can’t mix jokes like that. What are you doing – ‘jerk store’
or ‘your mom’ jokes? It makes no sense if you combine them.”
“That’s what your mom said.”
“Stop it. You just want me to play along. Pissing me off is not going
to make me play along.”
“’The jerk store called and they’re running out of you.’ You. You.
They’re running out of you.”
“Fine. But I hate you. Just know that I hate you. ‘What does it
matter? You’re their best seller.’”
“‘Oh yeah? Well I slept with your wife!’”
“Dude, not cool. My wife is dead.”
“You don’t have a wife.”
“But—? The joke—“
“But your wife is in a coma, she’s not dead.”
“I thought I didn’t have a wife.”
“I’m just saying if you’re going to do the joke, do it right. That’s
all.”
“Jerk.”
“The jerk store—“
“No. No. I did it once. We’re not doing it a gain.”
“Fine. Jerk.”
“The jerk store called…”
“Now you like the joke?”
“Not really. But I know you do.”
“You’re totally gay for me.”
“Jesus. I was just being a friend.”
“You wanna go all ‘brokeback’ with me.”
“Forget I ever said anything. Forget I ever talked to you ever. I
regret ever speaking to you. I regret knowing you.”
“You have got to relax. You are so easy to annoy. It is just too
easy to get under your skin. But I’ll apologize. I’m sorry. Your friendship is
important to me. I mean it. I want you to know that. What can I do to prove it?
Would you like a grand gesture? Would you like to schedule a get-together? For
next year perhaps? Just you and me. Best friends forever.”
“Now who’s being a girl?”
“There’s no making you happy. I try and I try and I try. And that’s
all I can do.”
“You could try not being a jerk.”
“The—“
“Don’t. I am not starting that again.”
“So… thirty-five years? Your dad’s crazy?”
“Yeah. Maybe.”
“Maybe so. Hey, it’s late and I need to get going. See you next
week? Same time?”
“Yeah. Same time.”
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